Jokes
In the past, each week before the sermon the minister told a joke. Here are some that have been told:
Contents
Christmas Selection
A woman goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas card envelopes. She says to the post office assistant, “May I have 70 stamps for my Christmas cards, please?”
“What denomination?” asks the assistant.
“God help us!" says the woman. “Has it come to this?
Give me 9 Catholic, 12 Anglican, 16 Uniting, 1 Church of Christ, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists”.
A Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. “I think it's raining," he said to his wife.
“No, that felt more like snow to me,” she replied.
“No, I'm sure it was just rain" he said. We, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a Communist Party official walking towards them. “Let's not fight about it," the husband said, “let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing.”
As the official approached, the man said, “Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it official raining or snowing?”
“It's raining, of course," he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted, “I know that felt like snow!”
To which the man quietly replied: “Rudolph the Red knows rain dear.”
By the way, a piece of Christmas trivia for you – according to the Alaskan Department of Fish and Game, both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer, but male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of the (northern) winter, usually late November to mid-December.
Females retain theirs until after they give birth in spring.
And you know what that means?
- Yep, all the reindeer pulling Santa’s sleigh – Donna, Blitzen, Rudolph – they were ALL females.
A penguin walks into a bar and says to the barman, “I’ve lost my brother. Could you help me find him?”
“Sure”, says the barman. “What does he look like?”
… he’s a penguin!
Senior Exercise Regimen
(Told Sunday 8th August 2003)
Here is a little secret for building arm and shoulder muscles. Three days a week works well.
Begin by standing outside behind the house, and with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out to your sides and hold them there as long as you can. After a few weeks, move up to 10 pound potato sacks and then 50 pound potato sacks, and finally get to where you can lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
Next... start putting a few potatoes in the sacks, but be careful not to overdo it.
You know you're in an Australian Summer when ...
- The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
- Hot water now comes out of both taps.
- You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
- The temperature drops below 35°C and you feel a little chilly.
- You discover that in February it only takes two fingers to steer your car.
- You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
- You develop a fear of metal car door handles.
- You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
- Your biggest bicycle crash fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
- You realise that asphalt has a liquid state.
- Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.
- The cows are giving evaporated milk.
- The trees are whistling for the dogs.
Short sermons
A minister delivered a sermon in ten minutes one Sunday morning which was about half the usual length of his sermons. He explained, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate that portion of my sermon which I was unable to deliver this morning".
After the service, a visitor from another church shook hands with the preacher and said, "Reverend, if that dog of yours has any pups, I want to get one to give to my minister".
Hard of Hearing? - 1
A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art."
"Really," answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?"
"Twelve thirty."
Hard of Hearing? - 2
Morris, an 82 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doctor: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."
Freeway driver
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
My Honey
An elderly gent was invited to his old friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms - Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about 10 years ago."
Sunday 20th October 2002
Victor Borge told about a couple going on vacation, standing in line waiting to check their bags at the airline counter.
The husband said to the wife, looking at the sixteen bags they were checking in, "I wish we had brought the piano."
The wife responded, "Don't be sarcastic. We'll need all of this!"
"Oh, I don't doubt it" he said. "But I still wish we'd bought the piano".
"The piano? Why the piano?" she asked.
"Because the tickets are on the piano!" he said sheepishly.
Sunday 22nd September 2002
A guide at Blarney Castle in Ireland was explaining to some visitors that his job was not always as pleasant as it seemed. He told them about a group of disgruntled tourists he had taken to the castle earlier in the week.
"These people were complaining about everything," he said. "They didn't like the weather, the food, their hotel accommodations, the prices, everything. Then to top it off, when we arrived at the castle, we found that the area around the Blarney Stone was roped off. Workmen were making some kind of repairs." "This is the last straw!" exclaimed one lady who seemed to be the chief faultfinder in the group. "I've come all this way, and now I can't even kiss the Blarney Stone."
"Well, you know," the guide said, "according to legend, if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, it's the same as kissing the stone itself." "And I suppose you've kissed the stone," said the exasperated lady. "Better than that." replied the guide. "I've sat on it."
The Three Legionnaires
These three Legionnaires are walking through the desert under a baking sun. They're fully equipped with enough water for days and food aplenty.
On the shimmering horizon, mirages come and go and come again. They see visions of swimming pools attended by dusky maidens and stalls full of ice creams and sorbets of every conceivable flavour. But the Legionnaires do not crack. Instead they keep marching solidly on.
Suddenly one of them freezes. "Psssst," he says. His companions halt and strain their eyes to where the first Legionnaire is pointing. "Le voila," he says, "Regardez, mes amis, isn't zat a bacon tree on ze 'orizon?" And sure enough, there it is, proud and defiant in the middle of the desert, a true bacon tree.
Slowly they creep forward towards the far off mystery object. Inch by inch, centimetre by centimetre, until they are within a stone's throw of the bacon tree. Ever nearer they creep until suddenly a shot rings out, dropping one of the Legionnaires in his tracks. The other Legionnaires hit the ground as bullets thud into the sand around them.
The other two return fire and give first aid to their wounded companion. Even as they bandage him and pour water over his face they can hear his faint voice. "Zat was no bacon tree," he gasps, "Zat was an 'am bush."
